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Going back to the reason why

On a lazy Sunday, I aim to write about topics which I feel strongly about. There's just one problem, however.

Right now, I have about 4 blog posts to write about. I have written numerous drafts and then deleted them. I did a mindmap for one topic, then went on to another topic because I was stuck in the first. It was like the days in secondary school where I wrote essays for the English paper. I crumpled and threw away easily 7-8 sheets of foolscap paper into the bin. It took an entire night easily. I had hits and misses, some really good and some just plain shitty.

I will admit I am horrible in just doing one thing at a time. I want to do everything at once, doing very little to nothing in the end. This toxic behaviour pretty much carried me through my polytechnic education as well. It isn't easy to deal with the feeling at the end of the day that I could have better spent my time.

I told myself that I wanted to learn a new language since last year and I have yet to take concrete steps to get there. "It is $400 for the course or that I am afraid I cannot attend the classes or comparing the usefulness of each language", I told myself. At the end, I never came back to why I first mooted the thought in the beginning. I wanted to learn something new while giving my weekends purpose.

I keep getting overwhelmed each time. I took to the web for explanations. The solutions were either the need to write the thoughts down, draw up mindmaps. I tried a little, then went back to my old ways, convinced that I cannot make the change.

We look hard and far, but never to ourselves for the answers. I realized that I have dealt with it before. "I have a weak mind", I know. "I am afraid", yes, I experienced that first-hand when I tried to give roses to my crush. How did I deal with it? I had very supportive peers, but ultimately it was not their encouragement that I went ahead. I just lived with those thoughts in the moment and did it.

Setting down goals is easy, but sticking to them is so difficult. I'd like to think that I always attribute pragmatism to my behaviour. I invest because I don't want to see the value of my money eroding over time.

I was actually penning my thoughts about a book earlier. I feel a little bit better writing about this now. I think I can go back to the previous post after taking a rest. Instead of aiming to give structure to this entry, I just allowed my thoughts to flow into it.

How did you deal with it when you found yourself stuck?

Still writing,
Mr K.


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